She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
