They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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