It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
