My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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