She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Dignity is for republicans.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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