is your mom at the bar?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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