My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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