Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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