oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
