Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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