I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
