I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
the day after is always just damage control
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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