I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
