Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
