Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
