I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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