there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
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