I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
