I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
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