my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
