If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
