We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
