i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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