roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
