I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you win again, gameday.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
