I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
