FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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