she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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