do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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