I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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