god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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