am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
How does one acquire holy water?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
