i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you mean i was at the winter classic?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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