I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
