Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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