Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
