The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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