genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
