If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
