Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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