he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
