hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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