turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
