you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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