For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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