i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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