I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
