John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
