I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
try to milk me bitch
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