he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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