he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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